Strange Feeling...

Today I have felt loneliness and sadness for the first time in a while. I know with everything that we are facing it was bound to rear it's ugly head again but here we go. He has been quiet since we've been home with not much to say and I can only hope that he is just wanting to rest and that it has nothing to do with me. As a matter of fact I am sure it doesn't it just feels like it does...I try not to hover, stay in his face because that only upsets him and makes him stay quiet longer. I miss having friends nearby...real friends, the ones that I just went to their house and watched TV and never had to say a word. The one that knew something was on your mind with ever having to say what it is. That unspoken friendship, it's a beautiful thing really something that I never took for granted but now that it is not there makes me want and need it so much. I try to stay positive about all of the things around but sometimes that gets rough too. He said to me not too long ago that I have to stay positive because it helps him through...what am I suppose to do or say about that? I'm breaking on the inside with nowhere to go with it and I can only hope that I don't have a nervous breakdown. I want to cry sometimes but instead I pray, that is the only thing working for me and it is the only thing that will. Thank you  God for carrying me at all times, not just when I down, thank you...

Fun Vacation Time!

As I wrap up my days off of relaxation and fun I look at the pictures that were taken, remember the memories that have been made, and think that this is one of the first times in along time that I walked away from work without even blinking an eye. I honestly don't want to go back to work tomorrow but that is another blog for another day. After bringing Charles home on Friday I packed my bag for some much needed girl time. I was a bit nervous at the same time because Sandy and I have been estranged for quite some time, but off I was going to spend some girl time with her. The ride was pretty easy, not much traffic and seemed to be over in no time. First stop...to see Grandma, knowing that she is getting up there in age it is alway important to see her as much as I can. I think she enjoys my visits. She gives me the same smile that Momma used to give me when I would surprise her with visits :) Debra is always a hoot, fiesty as anything and definitely never a dull moment. She had found some pictures and things that she thought I might want that Momma had and gave them to me. It was funny to look back on them and see how I have changed and grown. Charles says the pictures don't even look like me...

Saturday was an adventure in itself with hugs, tears, and happiness all wrapped in one. I always go visit Mommas and clean up her grave from dead flowers and high grass. Before I made it to her I drove past the old house to take a look. I saw a lady outside and decided to stop. The lady was the new owner of the house. We talked for a little while about how she had come to own the house and all I felt was the presence of the Lord from her story. She has just recently sold the estate of her own mother and was having issues with her brothers and sisters and was in desperate need of finding a home. In two weeks time she fell in love with my mother's house and bought it and sold her old home. She realized at the closing of the home that she worked with my brother who then told her why we had to give up the home. The lady showed me the house and all that she had changed and the things she had left the same. It was a relief to be in the home and know that the next person to have it was such a good person. The things that moved me most was that her grandson chose his bedroom (my bedroom) based on something I had left behind (glowing stars on the ceiling) and because someone told her about the rose bush in the front yard, she left it there. My Momma planted that rose bush but for some reason only one rose grows every year. If that isn't her spirit I don't know what is. She ended our visit by providing me a shelf she found in the home that my father had left behind. I have it now and I plan to make it my own. After that visit I headed over to the cemetary...that is where I saw my other Momma, Casey's mom, and her holding me made me feel more comfort than I had felt in a while.

God had His Hand in my visit to Murray this time around because usually by the second day I am ready to go home. But not this time, my heart was warm and full and I felt like I was at home. I had my friends, my family...I was good...

Next Step in the Journey

Today we checked into the hospital for another cancer fighting journey. He is always in good spirits and his health is good for the most part. This is a clinical trial so we can only hope that this works. I love him more than anything and we will fight for how ever long he wants to. The people at this facility are much nicer and seem to know more of what's going on. Definitely treating us a lot better than the others. That makes this stuff a little bit easier to handle. I prayful and am thankful every time I get to see him smile and hear him laugh. Keep fighting baby, keep fighting!

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